A Different Kind of Holiday Season

My holiday invitations are starting to roll in. They aren't the kind I'm used to. I'm invited to a grieving mother's support group brunch. I'm invited to a candle lighting ceremony at Garden City Funeral Home. I plan to attend them both. But these aren't the festive gatherings I usually go to. We have a tree up, in fact we have two Alex's panda tree is so cute at 4 feet tall with colored lights and filling up with ornaments. Our family tree is a new 7.5 ft artificial tree. It looks very nice and was a snap to put up. It adds a bit of cheer to our house. I've put the Santa collection up too. I don't know if I'll do any more. I have my snowman colleciton and my nativities too. Not sure if I'll get around to putting them out. We'll just wait and see. As with every other day, I'm just taking things as they come. One day at a time.

Two months of the "new normal"

I try to quiet my mind as much as possible. I want to stay in that place "above thought". Present, but not listening to the prattle of my mind. I miss him every minute of every day and I cry at the most inopportune moments, but if I can remain still and alert, I feel a peace and calmness wash over me. I'm gardening. Right outside his window is a planting area that's been left unattended for too long. I've cleared away most of the bindweed and planted a little sumac tree. I ordered a panda garden statue, on line, and he sits near the tree. I've put bulbs in for the spring and yesterday I planted a yellow cone flower that will come back next year. I want to put in clumping bamboo, ornamental grasses, oriental poppies, and a Japanese maple. I want it to be simple, easy and beautiful. It gives me something to think about and plan for and take care of. I hope I don't fail. I'm not a gardener, by any stretch of the imagination.

How could we know this would be the last one?

Brittney, Allison, Sarah, Alex
July 2011

Allison, Sarah, Jennie, Brittney
July 2011

If someone had told me that this would be the last photo I'd take of  my children (minus Katie) I would never have believed it. Sitting here today, one month after Alex's accident, I still can't believe it. He never wanted his picture taken and on this day I begged him to stand still for just one shot before he headed off into the farmers' market to play his guitar. I quickly shot two pictures and then he was gone, into the crowd to do his own thing. I'm not sure what made me insist on this day, but I'm so grateful that I did and that he tolerated it, for just a moment. 

Alex's last song

Alex, 2010

Miss You.

I'm really gonna miss you
Now I'm driving away
I hope that when I hold you
It'll be okay

On my way out of state
I'm counting the cars
Hoping to get my wish for you
Out of the stars

I hope you're having fun
And I hope you're laughing loud
No matter where you are
I can see hearts in the clouds

When you say 'hi'
I say 'hey cutie pie!'
My heart jumps in circles
Cuz I don't wanna say good-bye

When I hug you
It means I love you
When I leave
I'm gonna miss you

So hug me now
While you still can
And please don't stop
Till I'm an old, old man.

My son passed away in August 2011 and this is the last song he wrote and recorded. By clicking the link in the song title you can hear his last recording. We're blessed that he left notebooks full of song lyrics and several recordings of his music.

There are no words

an excerpt from Alex's obituary:
"For 14 glorious years, Alex Pak lived and on Saturday, August 13^th 2011, Alex left us.

He was born on October 23, 1996 in Renton WA, into a loving family. He was the only boy in a house of four girls. He was called many things in his life, Little Man, Alex man, Panda man, The “Prince”, and the “Caboose”. But his real name had been chosen many years before he was born. Alex’s parents were still dating when a little old man approached them and said, “You are such a cute couple. If you ever have a boy, you should name him Alexander. It’s a good name and has served me well, all these many years.” Alex’s paternal grandmother bestowed the name Xie Hong long before Alex joined the family. With each pregnancy Alexander Xie Hong was always the boy’s name and his parents would scramble to name each new girl who came along. It was 12 years before Alex would claim his name.

In 1998 the family moved to Missoula where Alex would spend the rest of his life. He attended school at Chief Charlo Elementary and Meadow Hill Middle School. He was preparing to enter high school in a couple of weeks. He would have attended Sentinel with his many friends.

Alex was not a joiner, but a free spirit who liked to pursue his own passions. He loved to collect pandas, skateboard, ride his bike and mostly he loved to play his guitars. He was self taught and exceptionally talented. He would play those guitars until the rafters rattled and we begged him to turn down the amp. Alex spent this summer playing his guitar at the Farmer’s Market and Out-to-Lunch. Alex called his guitars his “kids”. He loved them and we fondly remember the very first time he saw his first guitar. His dad brought it home after work, late one night and Alex could not have been more excited. They sat on the couch together and his dad taught him some cords. From that moment on he would play, morning, noon and night.

It seemed that everything came quickly and easily for Alex. He learned to ride a unicycle in minutes; he could juggle without even thinking about it, if he heard a song he could pick out the notes and cords and play it. He was a wonder to us all. One day, at age 4, he asked his mom to teach him to ride his bike without training wheels. She did the standard “hold the seat and run along” bit. Alex instantly saw the flaw in this plan and asked his mom to go in the house for a minute. When she came out just 10 minutes later he was whizzing around in the street on two wheels. Before the day was over he had taught two other neighbor kids to ride their bikes. Alex knew his own mind and heart and was fiercely independent. He wasn’t afraid to go against the grain or make a wave. He spoke his own truth without a care for what was popular opinion.  He had the wicked sense of humor and would use it at will.

Alex, we love you with every ounce of our being and will miss you forever. You brought us so much joy and happiness with your silly antics and wise cracks. There are not enough words to tell you how much we love you and miss you. Our hearts are shattered but we know that you are safe with those who left before you. We will see you again one day.

We want to express our sincerest thanks to all the people who tried so hard to bring Alex back to us. We are grateful for all the love and support that we have received from our friends, family and our community. We could not travel this road alone. We are humbled by all that we have received." 

FINALLY! Obama Bags Osama

Last night, as we sat watching TV, an announcement came in from the White House. President Obama confirmed that Osama Bin Laden was dead! After nearly 10 years of searching and tracking, the US military received the information they needed to go in and bag that son of a bitch. Now, how do I feel about a human being losing their life? Am I dancing in the street like some on TV last night? No, I'm not. But I'm reservedly relieved that this one chapter is over. The story isn't over, by any means. There will be retaliation, I'm sure. There is still a threat. But there was always a threat, wasn't there? We never know what will happen. We can't go around obsessing about this or that. We do what we can to be safe and then we live our lives. 


 "I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure" - Mark Twain

Hello Spring

Yesterday was the first day of spring. We spent it at the dog park with the Pug Club. As is typical for MT in spring, it was blustery and cold with the Hellgate wind funneling through the canyon and chilling us to the bone. The prize of the day, though, was seeing the bald eagle perched up on a telephone pole. Equally fun was watching the people as they realized what it was. They'd be walking along and suddenly notice someone else looking up or taking pictures and then they'd stop and look up and scan around to see what was so interesting. Then they'd see him and point and get all excited. Very neat.

So happy spring everyone. Can't wait for some sunshine and warmth.

Happy New Year! 2011

It's a bitterly cold start to the New Year. But we're warm and cozy in our little house, and who could ask for more than that? I'm not big on resolutions, but I've started journaling again. I hope I'll be able to keep it up. It's not blog journaling. It's real paper to pen journaling. All my family history research has led me to see that I need to leave a hard copy of life in the 21st century behind for posterity. So I have begun.
Besides journaling this year I have one other new habit I'd like to foster. We have a family history center in town. I want to utilize it to its fullest in my research. So I'm searching the online catalog and printing out the necessary micro film numbers and next week, I'll make a trip down to the center to order films and see what new genealogical information I can dig up.

Happy New Year to all. May it be blessed with good fortune and overflowing with happiness.

Merry Christmas from our house to yours

The tree that looks best in the dark

Stockings hung by the front door with care

Allison 

Sarah

Brittney

Alex

Brittney and Victor

Christmas Time again

Last year we had a houseful of little people to do all the fun Christmasy stuff with. This year its not quite so busy and frantic and a little bit subdued. It's all good. It is what it is. We have a Charlie Brown tree leaning askew in the living room, we've baked until we couldn't bake anymore and the gifts are slowly trickling into the hiding
places in and around the house. We are keeping it small this year. Saving our pennies and not going too far overboard. It'll be different and it'll be just fine. I've got a few crafty projects going and that always makes me feel good. Happy Christmas to all.

Labor Day 2010

In typical MT fashion, we went from warm and sunny to cool and rainy to winter in the course of two days.

Dani came the cabin with Alex, Allison and me. Mom and Dad met us there and we had a lovely weekend of playing in the "river", hiking to the meadow, listening to the musical stylings of Alex on guitar and hunkering down against the cold.

Grace, Logan, Molly and Kevin came up for the day on Saturday. Kevin went hunting, until a freak hail storm rolled through. Grace and Dani had a wonderful time playing together.
Grace had trouble remembering Dani's name, so just called her "my friend" all day. They're so cute together.

It was quiet, restful and relaxing....well, as much as could be expected with a three year old and three pugs along.

Buddha enjoyed his first visit to the cabin and christened every tree and bush in sight. Chloe and Zoey snarffled around and had a wonderful time frolicking in the grass.

All in all a good time was had.

Genealogy

My new passion. I've been working on my family genealogy for several weeks now. Have made lots of progress only to realize how much more there is to find. I've read as many books as I can get my hands on, to familiarize myself with HOW to find what I need to find. It's all seems a bit overwhelming, until you break it down into bite sized pieces. And may I just say, Ancestry.com is my new guilty pleasure. What a treasure trove of information with more and more added almost daily! Am currently wondering how/if I should develope a family history blog. I need another blog like I need a hole in my head. Will chew on that idea a while longer.

Lazy

Can't understand why I haven't blogged in almost a year. What's been going on? Well, we finished up 2009 with Katie, David and the kids in Missoula for Christmas. Such a treat to have them around for a couple of weeks. Thommy, Alex and I went to Seattle/Oak Harbor for spring break. Had a nice overnight at Katie's house then hit the big city for some good food, the Muse concert and a bit of sightseeing. It was quick and super fun. Now it's summer time again and its flying by.

Sarah is in N.C. working for the Lost Colony Theater and having the summer of her life. Living right on the beach with a bunch of creative souls and just enjoying every minute.

Katie is getting ready to send David off to Afghanistan for the third time. Not enjoying the thought of that at all. Allison is packing to leave for Conrad for a month-long job with Erynn Flaherty's dad. She'll work and live with them and I think is pretty dang excited to go. Brittney is living at home again, working at Rosauer's and filling out college paperwork. Yeah! Alex is working with me every day and hanging out with friends or playing his guitar afternoons and evenings. I really want to do something fun with him, but working every day is cramping my style. We're planning to be at the cabin for Labor Day weekend. Can't wait for that.

Allison and I rode the Hiawatha again in June. Gorgeous day and super fun ride.

I've had some reenacting adventures over the past year and just finished up Daly Days last weekend. Super fun, again. I'm loving every minute of it.

Pug club is going gang busters. We have over 50 pugs in memebership. We've got Pet Fest and Homecoming parade on our events calendar. Should be lots of fun.

Mainly life is the same old same old with some fun and adventure thrown in the mix. My goal now is to blog at least a few times a year, if not more often. We'll see if that works out for me.

Goodbye Summer

September. Actually September 11. 8 years since the attacks in NYC and WA DC. 8 years. Seems like yesterday. We were watching Disney channel. Alex was 4. Mom called and said turn on the news. And there I sat, in stunned disbelief watching the tape loop over and over again. Watching the second tower fall, then watching it all again and again and again. Alex said "why does that building keep falling down?" Time to turn it off and try to sort out all the emotions that were swirling around in my head. What the hell was happening? What next? Where? When? Katie, Sarah, Allison and Brittney were all at school. As far as I knew they were safe. Then the Pentagon, then the plane crash in Pennsylvania. It was all too much. It was all too scary. Then days passed and slowly and with time, life returned to some sort of normal. Now here we are 8 years later.

We've had a fairly good summer, all considered. Alex did break his collar bone right after school got out then he ran into a bar and cut his forehead requiring 13 stitches. But that was the extent of the drama for the summer. Not perfect, but not horrible either. Thom consented to TWO mini vacations. One weekend at the cabin and the other a weekend in Yellowstone. We camped in Mom and Dad's new 5th wheel and had a wonderful time. Allison, Sarah, Alex and I took a 15 mile bike ride on the Hiawatha trail and had a BLAST. Allison and I took a hike to Morrell Falls. 5 miles round trip. We've hosted Pug club nearly every Sunday this summer and count 13 pugs as members. So fun to see them all running around playing and having a great time. I've also enjoyed getting to know their owners. We hosted the 3rd annual neighborhood ice cream social and had some new neighbors to meet. Nice to catch up with everyone and have a laugh or two. So, all in all, a good summer. School is back in session, and the routine is in place. I miss the carefree days of summer but do like a nice routine.
Bittersweet.

Chloe and Buddha

This is tiny Miss Chloe and huge Buddha on the deck, sunbathing.

We often find them like this. Sitting close together or lying on the deck chair right beside each other. It's so cute. We always thought Chloe was too big, and then we met Buddha.

Where does the time go?

How can it be that my last post was in MARCH? It's now May.

We've been on several bike rides with Chloe in the basket. She does better and better each time. We're going to the dog park today for the second official PUG CLUB meetup. She'll ride along and make her royal entrance.

We've acquired a new pug. He came to us with the name King but is now Buddha. He is the most gigantic pug we've ever seen. He must be 40 pounds. He'll come to the pug club by car. No one is daft enough to try to cram him into a basket.

Spring has finally arrived. Just in time for summer. The weather this weekend is perfectly gorgeous and we had a light show and bit of rain last night. Couldn't ask for more.

Not much more news than that. Life is pretty simple and that's the way I like it.

Going for a Bike Ride

A Visit with the babies

They are here at last. They'll be here for about 10 days. The living room is cluttered with toys and diaper bags. We've had a sleep over already and have two more planned. There is a belated 2nd birthday party on Saturday and the great grandparents are coming. The rest of the relatives live here in town and all will be together for Dora the Explorer cake and ice cream. We cram a lot of fun into a small space of time. But we are so lucky to be able to get together several times a year for a visit. More pics and fun to follow. It's busy here and I have to do things in snatches for now.

Red Wave Marching Band

25 Years and Grandma Nell's Birthday

Wow, 25 years. One Quarter of a century. How does that happen? We've had so many different chapters in our married life. Lived in so many different places and met so many people along the way. We don't really talk in sentences anymore. A word or phrase and the messege is delivered and received. I think that right now we're spending too much time together. Everything is just a little annoying. A little too much. But all in all, its still good.

No big plans to commemorate this momentous marital event. No time for that. Maybe we'll go out to dinner on Sunday. Maybe we'll put on our pajamas at 7:30 and drink wine and watch TV. Don't know. It really doesn't matter. We've never really been big for the parties.

We got married on Grandma Nell's birthday. There was a scheduling glitch with the JP who married us and we had to push it back one day. But it was a good day, all the same.

Grandma would be 97 today. She passed in 2000. That also seems like it was just yesterday. I can still hear her voice. I can still smell the glade air freshener in her house. She's as alive to me today as she was the last time I sat and visited with her.

This is a rare photo of Grandma just relaxed and smiling. She usually would make some silly face at the camera and then gripe that she never took a good picture. I loved to snap shots of her when she wasn't aware I was doing it. I remember one time following her around with a video camera and she'd ask "is that thing on" to which I'd innocently say "NO".

I miss her. Everyday. Happy Birthday Nellie.